The Expendables: Taking A Look Back At The Greatest Movie Ever Conceived And Produced In Preparation For The Expendables 2

“My head just exploded.”  That was my response to Brazle’s delight-filled FB post about watching Expendables 2.  Anytime I feel the need to express my excitement towards something by using the words “my head just exploded”, then I should probably write something about that something.  Unfortunately, I can’t write a review of Expendables 2 yet since I haven’t seen it, but will that stop me from coming up with some outrageous column in my frenzy of jubilation?  Of course not.  To prepare for the undoubtedly life-altering release of EX:2, I am dusting off some of my favorite moments from the original Expendables and writing about them.  I can barely contain myself.

“Why are you here?  I just am.”

This has to be literally the greatest piece of dialogue Sly’s ever conceived of.  Combining poetry and caveman, this exchange between Sly’s Barney Ross and Sandra-The-Hot-Eye-Candy sums up everything these movies stand for: blunt words delivered with a heaping dose of awesome.  After reading His Needs, Her Needs, I’m almost sure Sly’s line would sate Sandra-The-Hot-Eye-Candy’s need for open and honest communication as well as the need for intimate conversation.  At least we guys hope so.

Guns vs Knives

Hasn’t everyone at some point wondered whether a bullet or a blade is faster?  I mean, it’s a valid question, and sadly, its still unanswered since Jason Statham’s Lee Christmas apparently can throw blades so fast that its unclear as to whether he kills guys faster or slower than Sly does with his pistols.  But just the fact that EX:1 even opens this topic for discussion shows the film deserves, at least in my opinion, every award it can possibly receive including The Academy’s Lifetime Achievement Award, the Nobel Prize, Yard of the Month, and the Kia Most Valuable Player.

“That was a message.”

Lee Christmas is like Mark Twain, Yogi Berra and the writers of the Constitution all rolled into one in this movie.  He is so profound that I’m thinking of naming my child Jason Lee Statham Christmas.  I won’t even give my child my last name – he or she will just be a complete tribute to Jason Statham’s EX:1 performance.  The quote, by the way, happened right after he and Sly Barney flew their airplane over a dock, dumped fuel on said dock, and then shot the fuel-drenched dock with a flare causing a ginormous explosion.  Nothing sends a message like blowing up a dock with a flare gun.  Speaking of the explosion, there were a ton of bad guys, but the primary bad guys were able to….

Evade a Fireball

Forget guns vs knives.  This movie just proved that a human being can jump faster than an explosion can explode.  Stone Cold Steve Austin and the-guy-who-played-Maroni-from-The-Dark-Knight jump off the exploding dock before they become engulfed in the HUGE ball of flame.  Case closed.  If only we could’ve solved the guns vs knives thing, then we’d really be cooking with gas, if only we shot the gas with a flare and then jumped out of the way!

Bullet-proof Truck

At some point, Sly Barney and Jet Li get ambushed in their truck at a stoplight. Something like twenty bad guys + an estranged Expendable (Dolph Lundgren) open fire on Sly/Je,t but of course Sly’s truck is completely bulletproof.  This begs the question – is there an Angie’s List entry for “complete car bullet proofer”?  I mean, I want my Civic to be bulletproofed by a name I can trust.  Somehow these guys in these movies always have the best bullet proofers, and I wonder if its just word of mouth or if I can google “car bullet proofer” and find some reviews easily.  Of course, Sly was able drive even though he was looking through a bullet-riddled, cracked windshield.  Thank goodness he took the elective “Driving While Looking Through Bullet-Riddled Windshields” at driving school.  That’s similar to the class Jason Statham took, “Judging A Person’s Moral Integrity In Just One Glance” (which came in handy when he took one look at his girlfriend’s new lover and decided the guy was no good).

Exploding Automatic Shotgun Rounds/Blowing Up A Building With A Shotgun

Need I say more?

Short Guys in Real Life Fighting Giant Guys in Real Life and Trying to Make It Not Awkward

So, Sly and Stone Cold Steve Austin fight at some point, and its really awkward since Sly is like 5’9” and Stone Cold is a full 6’2”.  Try as he might, the director couldn’t make them look even close to the same size.  Wait, Sly directed this?  Oh, well, maybe the guys behind the camera that day just lied to him and said it looked great.  It reminds me of Fast Five when Vin Diesel fights Dwayne The Rock Johnson and it is The Rock’s most challenging scene since he has to act like its possible for Vin to hurt him.  Poor Sly – he gets his butt handed to him AND the size discrepancy is nowhere NEARLY hidden well enough.  It almost seems like these shows would play up the size difference, but then again, it wouldn’t be EX:1 if that happened!!  Wait, that almost sounded like I was complaining about EX:1!!  I just flogged myself to teach myself a lesson.

“After taking all them lives, here was one I could’ve saved, but I didn’t, and, what I realized later on was, if I’d saved that woman, I might’ve, I don’t know, saved what was left of my soul.  You know?”

These poor guys like Mickey Rourke – they’re always so tortured by things they’ve done and seen.  I don’t know how they make it through the day.  Wait, I know – they throw knives, ride motorcycles, and date tons and tons of beautiful babes like Cheyenne.  But seriously, this moment was absolutely incredible, and it saddens me that Mickey won’t be in EX:2.  That’s okay, though; Chuck Norris will.  He is completely as good an actor as Mickey Rourke.  He spreads more blood and gore than forty score of Lincoln’s puny Civil Wars.  Also, he splits the union with a roundhouse kick.  Can Mickey Rourke do that?  I submit that he can NOT.

Arnold : Sly : Bruce : Dolph : Randy : Jason : Jet : Terry : Stone Cold : Mickey

That lineup is fantastic.  What a movie.  What an idea.  Great job by Sly.  Bring on Jean-Claude.  Bring on more Ahhhh-nuld.  Bring on Chuck Norris.  Bring on EX:2.

Grant Stevens loves action movies and got through his sophomore year solely on lessons he learned from “Collateral Damage”.  His heroes include Indiana Jones, Rambo, The Rock, and Joey P. Brenner.  He’s also a musician.  Check out his tunes at www.grantstevensgroup.com.

One thought on “The Expendables: Taking A Look Back At The Greatest Movie Ever Conceived And Produced In Preparation For The Expendables 2

  1. Great job, Grant! Hilarious!!! I might just go and see EX 1, but then again, it sounded completely corney! At least now I have something to “go on.” Can’t wait for your EX 2 review.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s