The Last Stand: Stand With Me As I Review Arnold’s Latest and Greatest Cinematic Wonderland

I’m not saying The Last Stand is the greatest movie I’ve ever seen – I’m saying it’s the greatest movie ANYONE has EVER seen in the entirety of history.  I mean, after years of depriving us of his greatness while he was “acting” governor of California, Arnold is back with a vengeance and a reminder of why he is easily the greatest action star ever.  You know how imdb.com has the Top 250 movies list?  Well, The Last Stand is better than every single one of those movies, and then it’s better than all of those movies combined as well.  Basically, if a unicorn grew up and became president of the United States, it wouldn’t have as much of an impact on your life as does this movie.  Even if you haven’t seen The Last Stand yet, rest assured it is the most brilliant and most meaningful movie experience of your entire life.

So what makes this movie complete and total excellence?  Basically everything.  First, Schwarzenegger is back.  He plays the sheriff of a small Arizona border town who is faced with the task of stopping a fugitive drug lord from crossing back over into Mexico.  Thankfully, after decades of living in the United States, Arnold’s accent is as impenetrable as ever, making even the most basic line laughable and epic.  Further, though we don’t ever get much of a look at his world-famous bod, there is still the knowledge that this guy is ripped beyond imagination, and that makes every movie better.  He is a special effect in and of himself.  It’s great.

Another thing that makes the movie complete gold is the fact that the girl selling me the movie ticket said the movie was great, quickly adding “It has Johnny Knoxville in it, so it has to be good”.  I was hooked right there, and now that you’ve heard the same good news, you will surely understand how superlative this thing is.  Speaking of Johnny Knoxville, he isn’t in all that much of the film, but who cares?  For a generation raised on Jackass, the guy hits harder than pretty much every great actor in the entire world.  His character’s name is Dinkum, so that has to mean something also.

A third factor that played a huge role in making this movie the clear Oscar-winner for every year ever is the fact that the main bad guy just happens to be a race car driver/enthusiast-drug-cartel-leader who decides that a modified Corvette ZR1 is the best way to leave the country and get back to drug cartelling.  Man, let me tell you, the crazy chase scenes, police-barrier-breakdowns, night-vision driving, and never having to refuel take this thing to a whole ‘nother level, like infinity greatness + another infinity of greatness = complete infinities of infinite infinities of infinite greatness.

Lastly, there’s all the “other stuff” that makes a movie like this great.  All the outlandish guns.  The cheesy character moments that are only cheesy if you’re an idiot.  The way the bad guy drives without looking at the road a lot of the time.  The weird bad guy with the special European twang that drives my friend Brazle nuts.  The silliness of cars chasing each other through corn fields.  Anytime someone talks about a car being faster than a helicopter (here’s looking at you Gone in 60 Seconds – “this is an A-Star, sir, not an Apache”).  This movie has all the “other stuff”, and boy is it glorious.

After years of Hollywood trying to be “serious” and make “good movies”, I’m glad to see people like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone making a comeback with perfect movies like The Expendables and The Last Stand.  They understand what we like, and they deliver.  And boy does The Last Stand deliver.

A few final notes:

– In all my hyperbole I neglected to acknowledge Forrest Whitaker.  That guy is a legitimately good actor.  But what’s up with that eye?  Does anyone know?  At any rate, he’s very believable as the FBI guy trying to track down the antagonist.

– This movie is rated R for a good reason.  It has quite a bit of language, and the violence is pretty over-the-top in places.  Certainly not a movie I would recommend for kids.

– The car stuff is actually really cool.  The ZR1 is an amazing machine, and there’s a great spot for the new Camaro.  I’m not a huge fan of modern Chevys, but those cars are sweeeet.

And a final note: there are a whoooole lot of moments where the actors use the name “Jesus” as an exclamatory, like it’s completely nothing.  I totally comprehend that, for many people, Jesus is nothing more than a joke, fairy tale, myth or false religious leader akin to Zeus, Joseph Smith, Buddha, Moses, Abraham, Mohammad, or L. Ron Hubbard.  But as a Christian, it frustrates me to hear the name “Jesus” used in vain so much.  I actually really enjoyed the movie, but the wanton use of “Jesus” as a vain exclamatory makes me reluctant to see it again – I know I’m going to cringe every time they drop the J-bomb.  What is worse is that another word could EASILY be substituted in its place.  If you don’t like hearing the name of Jesus used in vain, don’t go see this movie.  That is my last stand.

Grant Stevens is an intergalatically renowned author of over 20 movie reviews and over 100 Facebook posts.  He is a major proponent for the correct usage of the word ironic, and he is also a musician.  Though he will not be receiving a Grammy this year, it is not because he has not earned one – he simply has no more room for another trophy.  Check out www.grantstevensgroup.com for more information.  Feel free to email Grant at grant@grantstevensgroup.com with any questions or comments you may have.

One thought on “The Last Stand: Stand With Me As I Review Arnold’s Latest and Greatest Cinematic Wonderland

  1. Great “over the top” critique for an obviously “over the top” movie. Although I will not be seeing this film, I enjoyed your whimsical, fun-to-read, entertaining review. Kudos to you for taking a stand for not using the Lord’s name in vain! Keep up the great work!

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