The Expendables 3: A Review of the Greatest Movie Ever Made

The Greatest Movie Ever

The Greatest Movie Ever

If you haven’t read my reviews of Expendables 1 and Expendables 2, you have shamed your families. You should read those reviews immediately if not sooner. Then you can read this review.

For those wise persons who have read my first two Expendables reviews, it should come as no surprise that Sylvester Stallone has, yet again, created the world’s greatest movie ever. Wrought with action, drama, humor, a sensical plot and the most tremendous acting, Expendables 3 is the pinnacle of filmmaking.

Click here to purchase Expendables 3 on Blu-ray and DVD

Time to mow the grass!!

Time to mow the grass!!

Remember how I said there is good action? Expendables 3 has action out the wazzoo. From an opening sequence where Hale Ceasar shoots a mini-gun from his riverboat to the closing scene where a guy rides a motorcycle through the Asmanistanian troops/tanks, this movie is completely perfect. Guys will love it, and women will love their men for loving it.

Geez, look at Mail's Beard!!

Geez, look at Mail’s Beard!!

Which reminds me – remember the part where I said the movie has drama? Expendables 3 is seriously like Les Miserables + The Notebook + Pride and Prejudice + Sleepless in Seattle + Frozen. Some people say Stallone doesn’t have any acting chops. I say some people need to shut their mouths. Stallone gives a brilliant performance midway through the film in which he gives his team some tough news. That scene alone is enough to earn this film the Nobel Peace Prize. Then there’s Mel Mail Gibson mailing it in going full out constantly, reminding us why he once was the biggest box office draw in the world. Then there’s the part where the team is going to explode in a C4 holocaust. Super dramatic!

Mail giving it his all.

Mail giving it his all.

If action and drama weren’t enough, this film has humor galore. An especially keen moment occurs when Hale Ceasar yells “Time to mow the grass!” Other equally swell moments exist throughout, and my buddies and I were laughing like crazy the whole way. For serious, Expendables 3 is funny!!!!!! LOL

This brings me to the film’s two greatest strengths – the sensical plot and the tremendous acting. There’s not much to say about the plot except that it is perfect. So, I’ll move on to the acting. Though I already addressed the performances from Sly and Mail, and though it is embarrassing to continue to extol one movie’s virtues thusly, tarry not will I. I must speak of others.

We daren't forget the one Expendable who can actually dole out the damage!! Randy Couture!

We daren’t forget the one Expendable who can actually dole out the damage!! Randy Couture!

For example, take Jason Statham. This balding macho man’s Lee Christmas has turned a corner and now reminds me more of Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot than Sly Stallone in Cobra. Then there is Wesley Snipes. Fresh off a stint in the graybar hotel for tax evasion, Snipes is back and better than ever. His monologue on the airplane has just been added by UNESCO as a World Heritage Site.

Dolph still looks like a kid, and Wesley is glad to be out of prison.

Dolph still looks like a kid, and Wesley is glad to be out of prison.

And how can I leave out Harrison Ford? By my troth, his performance actually makes me want to see him do more acting. Before this, I thought he’d completely lost every bit of ability. Now? I want him to play Old Jack Ryan until the wheels come off!! And Chris Pratt can become his son and run back every young Jack Ryan story in the book!

This looks like a cross between Collateral Damage and Air Force One.

This looks like a cross between Collateral Damage and Air Force One.

In the end, Expendables 3 is perfect. Just like its predecessors, it is the greatest movie ever conceived. The only flaw is that its runtime isn’t eternal. So, if you’re looking for a great movie to watch, I hope it’s clear that you will be an imbecile if you do not see Expendables 3. It is completely definitive.

Grant Stevens is the despot of the Use Ironic Correctly Society, and he has written for a publication. When not writing and winning Pulitzers, he likes to study languages, play music, read and sell stuff on Amazon. He is also super into apologetics.

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